Monday, July 22, 2013

Christian Death - "Spiritual Cramp" (1982)

Rozz swore by Midol.

Rocks - "Migraine Headache" (2013)

Still pounding nearly forty years later.

Midol ... For Men?

Drinking coffee shortly before indulging in a big meal is never the brightest of ideas. Prior to the first Hardcore Norfolk open-mic night in 2011, I slurped three cups of the sugar- laden bean soup at Elliot's Fair Grounds. Less than thirty minutes later, I took the bait of fish planks, fries and cole slaw at Colley Cantina. The rumble of punk, garage and other noise from CC's "stage" hooked me like a 1,000-pound blue marlin, but the growls emitting from my queasy stomach forecasted possible waves of Technicolor yawn washing ashore. Over time, slow sips of icy water helped with the sea change and averted a man-made disaster. Thank goodness for the restoration of calm, since the Cantina's toilet-in-a-closet arrangement isn't exactly bathroom-friendly to weary travelers.

Three weeks ago (7/4/2013), I carelessly installed another dim light bulb. Upon passing thru the Thornton Estate's gated entrance door, my first order of business was shaking hands with a filled coffee mug. I'd been the first person to arrive at two earlier Labor Day gatherings, but a dozen or so hungry folks were awaiting the hot dogs and hamburgers already grilling per initial greetings. Because the temperature was in the expected 90-degree range, I limited myself to one cup of java before switching to the more sensible choice of sweetened iced tea. The cooler beverage option paired very nicely with the delicious Carolina-style BBQ and slaw, which was the only thing scooped onto my plate all day. Sure, the multiple bowls of pasta salad dotting the inside table nearly kissed my spoon, but I decided to employ a single-minded consumption strategy. Over mounds of irresistible pork perfection, Matt, Henry, Rebecca, Vic, Teddy and others joined me in roundtable discussions regarding bee/wasp stings, shrimp and grits, the AMC Pacer, bootleg recordings from local bands, long-gone grocery stores and my virtual T-shirt collection. In the midst of a fourth or fifth BBQ helping, I began to feel turbulence via nausea, dehydration, fatigue and inattentiveness. Staring inside the oval office, I expelled a gagging sound but failed to imitate George Bush's infamous vomitive vision in Japan. If the Cantina storm had been graded, it would've received an F3. The Thornton twister's mark? A full-on F5. I needed Helen Hunt to pilot a big chopper over the Sharknado swirling inside me and drop a powerful bomb thru the funnel. Luckily, I had off-screen ground support from a friend with an atypical remedy.

Reaching into her portable medicine chest, "Nurse" Laura Reyes placed two Midol Complete caplets in my hand and instructed me to wait twenty minutes for a possible third pill. Naturally, I had concerns about ingesting a tablet marketed exclusively to combat "women's issues." In a current ad campaign, two lovelies fashioning light-blue Midol lab coats tell an overworked, suffering waitress: "Because you deserve better." Any balding, grease-stained males with equally pounding headaches are left to sweat in a crowded kitchen. Despite this evidence, Laura insisted that the drug is safe for men to use and wouldn't alter my voice in a higher pitch. Debating wasn't going to improve my condition, so I swallowed both Midol Completes with a generous swig of Deer Park water and waited for the unintentional breast enlargement.

Perched in a chair near the salad table, I stared aimlessly at the spread and pondered a drastic change in eating habits from that moment onward. Early in the recovery stage, I lacked the energy to talk, laugh or care about anything in the world. Five minutes after downing the pills, Laura came inside to check on my status and gave me a gentle embrace. Coupled with the Midol, the sweet gesture began sledge-hammering my brick walls in earnest. "Ralph" no longer wanted to cover the floor's canvas in a spontaneous art exhibit. Dry mouth finally dove into the refreshing pool. A team of one searched in vain for cornhole bags. Jason Thornton's enthusiasm for baseball and Kenny Loggins' soundtrack hits was matched by mine. I almost ate another plate of BBQ.

OK, that last one's a lie, but Mr. Blah tasted a TKO when Midol Complete stepped in the square circle. Truth.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Billy Ocean - "Loverboy" (1985)

He's simply ... AWESOME!!!

The Great Dismal Swamis - "Pole Position" (2013)

Prepare to qualify!

German 201

1)Patty Smyth should've done spoken word for the sole purpose of confusing people.
Patty Smyth sollte gesprochene Wort für den alleinigen Zweck der verwirrend Menschen getan habe.

2)The Equatorial Guineas are coming!
Die Äquatorial-Guineas kommen!

3)Playing Two Degrees of Turkey Bacon always ends with the pork substitute in the
garbage can.

Spielen zwei Grad der Türkei Speck endet immer mit dem Schweinefleisch Ersatz in der Mülleimer. 

4)Put that baby on the floor and get yourself a Slurpee.
Legen Sie das Baby auf den Boden und holen Sie sich einen Slurpee.

5)West Virginia is too north to be part of the South, and it's too east to be part of the

West Virginia ist zu Norden einen Teil des Südens zu sein, und es ist zu Ost-Teil der sein Midwest.

6)Emilio Estevez and Judd Nelson's fathers should get together and go bowling.

Emilio Estevez und Judd Nelson Väter sollten sich zusammen und Bowlen. 

7)White chocolate is the Black Flag reunion of candy.
Weiße Schokolade ist die Black Flag Wiedervereinigung von Süßigkeiten.

8)"Liking" your own post on Facebook is the social media equivalent of autofellatio.
"Sympathie" Ihren eigenen Beitrag auf Facebook ist die Social-Media-Äquivalent autofellatio.

9)When Coleman's Nursery closed for good, Gertrude paid her respects by pouring a
40-quart bag of Miracle-Gro Garden Soil onto High Street.
Wenn Coleman Kindertagesstätte für gut geschlossen, bezahlt Gertrude ihren Respekt durch Gießen ein 40-Liter-Beutel mit Miracle-Gro Gartenboden auf die High Street.

10)Your lasting memory of me is 20 pounds of chicken shit.
Ihre bleibende Erinnerung von mir ist 20 Pfund Huhn Scheiße.

11)So much for seeing the homemade quilt of band T-shirts and walking to the Dirty
So viel zu sehen, die hausgemachten Quilt-of-Band-T-Shirts und zu Fuß zum Schmutzige Buffalo...

12)Gunther became a fan of I Wish I'd Been Born In 1962.
Gunther wurde ein Fan von I Wish I 1962 geboren worden ware.
13)Eating bananas with Bananarama would be on my bucket list.
Essen Bananen mit Bananarama würde auf meinem Eimer Liste sein.

14)Nobody knows more about a good night's sleep than Virginia Waterbeds.
Niemand weiß mehr über eine gute Nacht Schlaf als Virginia Wasserbetten.

15)Paula Deen stands for the white rice.
Paula Deen steht für den weißen Reis.

16)Essie Mae Jordan, the "Prepare to qualify!" voice in the Pole Position arcade game, is
now living on government assistance in Huntsville, AL.
Essie Mae Jordan, der "Bereiten Sie sich qualifizieren!" Stimme in der Pole Position Arcade-Spiel, lebt jetzt auf staatliche Unterstützung in Huntsville, AL.

17)I want to plant a bag of frozen green beans in someone's garden.
Ich will einen Beutel mit gefrorenen grünen Bohnen in jemandes Garten pflanzen.

18)If I could design a woman, she would look a lot like Delta Burke.
Wenn ich eine Frau könnte zu entwerfen, würde sie sehen aus wie Delta Burke.

19)Contrary to what was said in The Virginian-Pilot, I don't think an "alt-rock violinist"
relocating to Georgia is a huge loss for the Tidewater music scene.
Im Gegensatz zu dem, was in The Virginian-Pilot sagte, glaube ich nicht, eine "Alternative-Rock-Geiger" Umzug in Georgien ist ein großer Verlust für die Tidewater

20)Billy Ocean is the black Bryan Adams. 
Billy Ocean ist der schwarze Bryan Adams.